i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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