That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't deserve a penis
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
