I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
