The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
