Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
