I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
