4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
They are going to name an STD after you.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
