Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
