I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
