seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
