ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
