The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
