I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
