Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Can vaginas get frostbite?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
