Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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