So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
