I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
