I wish I could punch you in the face.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
