I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just gargled with NyQuil
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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