please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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