i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
