Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
