im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize