Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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