she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
