I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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