So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
