question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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