I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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