I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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