Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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