Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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