She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
