I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
