I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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