Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
