i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
