I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
