At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We're too hungover to prance.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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