good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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