The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
