I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
