It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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