Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
