So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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