Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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