I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
