Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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