mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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