Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
