So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize