my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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