Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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