its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize