Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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