he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Come see our sink grown plant.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
