her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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