DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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