There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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