I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
