some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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