im about as happy as oj after his trial
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
