I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
