I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize