Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
